To my future lover, soul mate or whatever you call that someone you knew you have been waiting for since forever…
“Well, what I am trying to say here is that I’ve been doing my best to get myself busy and occupied to avoid this very situation I am in right at this very moment… But then, here I am face to face with the melancholies of Christmas.”
“Maybe this is your way of teaching me how to receive graciously. How to accept the fact that most of the time, we could use some help…”
“…And somehow, sometime between then and now, you outgrew me.”
The truth is I am confused right now. The child in me has been happy for quite some time now. But its counterpart—the more logical one or should I dare say the worrier one, the one who always looks ahead beyond what is in front of her, the one who struggles to be normal, the one who bears the responsibility of meeting society’s expectations—has been more problematic than ever. Questioning, scrutinizing, discerning. These are endless processes she keeps on repeating. Day in day out, in every opportunity she has. And with the perpetual negative responses she keeps getting, this other part has been disappointed, miserable, desperate…
“I always have known that you sacrificed a lot for your family, for us. But I never knew, and probably will never know, the extent, the degree, the depth of these sacrifices. I’m so sorry… For my ignorance. For my insensitivity. For my selfishness…”
“Aren’t you afraid?”
I wish that He gives me some more strength, confidence and grace—enough to get me through this lifetime—to help me forgive and love myself unconditionally…
Here I am now—remembering the long lost child. Is she really gone? Or is she just slumbering in a deep, deep sleep? I hope I could still find her beneath the rubbles and reunite with her. I miss her. Miss her more than anyone could. I want to hold her in my arms again and feel her familiar comforting warmth. I long to see her beautiful and unaffected innocence, to stare at the mirth in those honest smiles and watch the gift of wonderment she always carry within those brown eyes.
then maybe, just maybe…
Are you that numb
Or you just don’t give a damn?
Didn’t you recognize the pain I suddenly felt
The emptiness that gripped me that day?
Didn’t you see the tears I shed
When I looked straight into your eyes?
If you just took a glimpse into mine
Then, maybe they would haunt you forever…