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monday musing ~ remembrances and new realizations…

“I always have known that you sacrificed a lot for your family, for us. But I never knew, and probably will never know, the extent, the degree, the depth of these sacrifices. I’m so sorry… For my ignorance. For my insensitivity. For my selfishness…”

Today asked me to cry, unabashedly… My tears came rushing, flooding. I couldn’t stop it. I cried for Papa. I cried for Mama. I cried for myself. Remembering always do that, make someone cry, I mean. And new realizations add up some more, loads more, to the unstoppable and uncontrollable tears.

I miss you so much both. It’s been eight years, and the pain and loneliness just won’t go away. The hurt and melancholy won’t wear off. It still feels as if it was just yesterday. Fresh and crisp. Hurting and disturbing. But, I guess, somehow I learned to get by. To continue living with these extra and unwanted baggage on my back. To go on with this life despite all these unnecessary but unavoidable surges of emotions I, most of the time, don’t even know how to handle. These waves of feelings that almost always leave me overwhelmed and devastated at the same time. These avalanches of unidentified but all too familiar sensations that keep me awake at night…

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