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wednesday’s who ~ someone in the midst of chaos.

For the first time in my life I actually wanted to turn back the hands of time, to change something I did… For the first time in my life I wanted to have that wish, that one wish to take a step, just one step backward to make things right… For the first time in my life I wanted to see a real time machine, to have that chance to travel back in time and reunite with my past…

Maybe this is all about me regretting not doing everything I could… Maybe this is me punishing myself for feeling this unknown fear… maybe this is me hurting for hurting those people I love the most… maybe this is my false bravado collapsing at last, my pretenses breaking down right in my face… or maybe, just maybe, this is me not used to this kind of loneliness, the real kind…

Could you tell me how to start living again, to start making pace towards where, I do not have any idea. Could you help me find a reason again, something that could convince this head to move on without the fear of not having anything to look forward to? Could you stop all these uncertainties, all this questioning, and self-doubting?

Maybe it’s the absence of something to hold on to… Maybe it’s the absence of someone to cling on to, someone who cares, someone who loves me in spite of me… I know it’s such a big loss. A tremendous change in my life was about to unfold and I wasn’t even aware of it. And though unprepared, I have no choice but to acknowledge it and embrace it wholeheartedly.. Maybe I just need to accept the things as they are right now, maybe I just have to get used to this unhappiness, this melancholy they called loneliness. I’ll get by. I know I will.. I have to. Or else I would die of sadness…

I hope I could start choosing the direction that my life has to tread… I hope I could make this head stop lingering over this unfortunate fate of mine. I hope I could just go on with life without the pain, the regrets, and self-pity…

image from freedigitalphotos.com

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