“Aren’t you afraid?”
Did I hear you right? Did you really just ask me that question? I’m still here wondering, in disbelief. How could you even utter such query? I must be pretty good at hiding my emotions. I must have done a great job putting up a brave facade. Because Lord knows how scared I am, how terrified I am. How can I not be? It’s almost impossible not to be afraid right now, with this current state of mine. I don’t have any answer to the big questions about life. Where am I going? Why am I here? What must I do? And what’s even more frightening is the reality that I still keep rummaging this head—and this heart—for answers to the small ones. How to start again? Where to begin?
I guess I already mastered the act of sabotaging my own life—I discovered numbers of ways to do so without any effort—but I don’t have any inkling on how to put myself back together… And that scares the hell out of me. Will I ever get out of this? In one piece? Without losing the so few people I love? Without causing too much damage to myself? Without leaving too many casualties in the process? Will I ever get up from here? From this mess I put myself into? And will I still be able to stand and walk with the dignity of someone who lost but fought back and moved on…forward? With the pride of someone who knows within her that she gave a fair and good fight, and through it gained strength, courage, grace and a new sense of being? With the wisdom of someone who learned that the art of putting herself back together can only be experienced after the breakdown, the falling apart, the surrender? That it can only start when she decided to face the ugly truth and deal with the painstaking phases of the whole process. Then, finally realized it was all well worth it.
Yes, I am afraid. For so many reasons: rejections, uncertainties, and even self-doubt at times. And sometimes, with all these failed attempts, it is disheartening to try again, to even hope again. Plummeting towards hopelessness, there is nothing else to do but succumb. Then I hear my inner voice asking the same question. Am I not afraid? Yes, I am. I am shivering, looking fear in the eye. And I am still here, now…
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