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wednesday’s who ~ The Half-hearted

The truth is I am confused right now. The child in me has been happy for quite some time now. But its counterpart—the more logical one or should I dare say the worrier one, the one who always looks ahead beyond what is in front of her, the one who struggles to be normal, the one who bears the responsibility of meeting society’s expectations—has been more problematic than ever. Questioning, scrutinizing, discerning. These are endless processes she keeps on repeating. Day in day out, in every opportunity she has. And with the perpetual negative responses she keeps getting, this other part has been disappointed, miserable, desperate…

I understand her perfectly, though. I know what she wants. A normal life with a great normal job since she’s not getting any younger and is expected to be stable financially at the least, a clear path to tread on with a certainty of someone who knows where she is actually going and where she needed to be, the confidence of a woman who has been to so many places and has done too many things in her life. I know what bothers her deeply. I know where her insecurities coming from. I know where her doubts going. I know where her anxieties will lead her. But I can’t seem to do anything about it. I can’t seem to fight against it. Because the other part seems to enjoy this present moment.

Maybe they should learn to compromise, to know each other more, to establish their common goal, to have a greater understanding of things enough to transcend their differences. Maybe they should find their equilibrium, that single point where their lines of thinking meet. That particular set of coordinates where their curves of indecisions and confusions finally intersect. The point of agreement. The point of treaty. The point of unison. Then maybe, I wouldn’t have to choose which one to prioritize, which one to listen to, which one to sacrifice…

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